One More Time
by starscriptmage
Summary: In the end, who's the one broken in pieces? She fails again and again, but that doesn't stop her from trying one more time. After all, she is his big sister. Tsukishima/OC friendship.
1. if it doesn't succeed the first time

**June has been the worst month this year so far. I can't write ANYTHING worth crap and I'm still terribly behind on English and Science. My only consolation is that I had a fabulous youth retreat last weekend.**

 **Chapter 3 of Heartburn is on its way, and I've planned several KnB OC's. On the other hand, I've also been busy with Haikyuu (I've already rewatched it twice), and so yeah. Not sure if this is a Tsukishima/OC or not, it's kind of a brother/sister relationship. Anyway, long story short, I was listening to Ayano's Theory of Happiness, and this happened.**

 **Also, I've only started the manga, so I don't know much, but I do know that Kei has an older brother called Akiteru. I didn't put him in here because I don't know anything about him, and it would make the story a bit different.**

 **BLEH. Let me tell you, this monster was a pain to write. It's 31 pages in all and I am EXHAUSTED. But it's been worth it, and Kei's been fun to write ;) Hope you enjoy it!**

.

.

.

 _if it doesn't succeed the first time, try, try again_

 _._

 _._

 _._

The boy her family had adopted is not at all what she expected.

He's her age, for one, and about two centimeter taller than her. He's not the cuddly, sweet brother she'd always wanted. He's scowling, looking down at her, and and his expression is the exact opposite of happy.

Haruno Sayako has always wanted a little brother. An affectionate, cheerful little brother.

Not a cold-hearted, sullen boy.

"Sayako is three months older than you, but you two were born in the same year," explains Mother. "She'll be your big sister from now on, okay?"

A slight inclination of his head. A nod, maybe?

"I-I-I'll do my best!" Sayako says, determined. "I promise to be a good big sister!"

"Che," says Kei, looking away. "I hate hot-blooded people."

The way he's looking dismissively down at her makes her flinch but she clenches her teeth and ignores it.

.

.

.

"It's okay if you don't want to call me onee-chan," Sayako tells Kei as she helps him unpack. "Sayako or Saya is good. Or Saya-nee, if you want. Sayaka-nee-chan is a bit long, but that's fine as well."

"Please put that on the table, Haruno-san," Kei replies.

Sayako frowns, almost disheartened, but she perks up soon.

"Ah, you like music?"

She holds up a pair of headphones.

"I do, too! What artist do you listen t - "

"Don't touch that!" Kei barks, making her falter.

With trembling hands, Sayako puts the headphones down.

"Sorry," she murmurs.

.

.

.

Sayako tries her best.

She really does.

"Kei!" she calls. "Are you ready? We're going to school now!"

Kei appears at the top of the stairs, pulling on his school blazer.

"It's our first day at middle school!" Sayako says. She can't help but keep the spring out of her step. Her hand goes to the ribbon on her chest - it's the first time she's ever worn a sailor uniform.

She's so excited she could explode.

Kei is the complete opposite.

"Why are you so noisy today?" he snaps, narrowing his eyes.

"I can't help it," she retorts. "And besides, you're excited, too, aren't you?"

As a reply, Kei pulls the headphones over his ears.

Pressing her lips together, Sayako turns forward.

.

.

.

"Kei!" she calls at the door of the classroom. "Class is over! Let's go home!"

"Wow, a cute girl!" one of the boys say in admiration. "Tsukishima, is that your girlfriend? I didn't know you had a girlfriend! How nice ~ I wish I had a girlfriend as pretty as yours…"

"She's not my girlfriend," Kei says shortly.

"Then who is she?" the boy persists.

Kei pulls the strap of his bag over his shoulder.

"No one, really."

.

.

.

She takes him home everyday, even waiting when it's his turn to clean the blackboard.

"Why do you even bother?" a classmate mutters to her. "Tsukishima's so mean! Why do you like him so much?"

"He's my little brother," Sayako replies. "And besides, I think he's actually really sweet."

"I'm done," Kei says, walking out of the classroom.

"Hey, wait for me!" Sayako protests, sprinting after him.

"Honestly," the classmate huffs. "It's a lost cause, Haruno-san!"

.

.

.

"Happy birthday, Kei!"

Sayako bursts into his bedroom, to see a rolled-up Kei, with only the top of his head visible. She ruffles his fluffy bedhead, grinning.

"I got everything ready! Come on!"

Fumbling with his glasses, Kei's not even given a moment of time before Sayako pulls him out of bed and down the stairs. Still in his striped pajamas, he's rushed to the dining table, where a pile of presents sit waiting for him.

"Sit down! Sit down!"

Sayako forces him into a chair, thrusting an elaborately wrapped box in his face.

"Open it, Kei!"

Her smile is so big she looks like the sun.

Reluctantly, Kei opens it, to see a large stegosaurus stuffy stare back at him.

"What is with your obsession with dinosaurs?" he says, roughly shoving it back into its box.

"They're cute!" Sayako says defensively. "And they're really cool! I like stegosauruses the best. This one's called Hotaru. You know, firefly? Like you?"

"Well, you can keep it." Kei stands up abruptly. "I don't want it."

Sayako grabs his wrist.

"W-Wait! You haven't opened the other presents yet!"

With one quick flick, he shakes her off.

"I'm going back to bed."

He doesn't see the tears that well up in Sayako's eyes.

.

.

.

"Kei?"

It's evening. Kei takes off his headphones, turning around as Sayako enters the room.

"Knock next time, please," he says.

She shrugs it off.

"You don't have to like your presents," she says, "but at least eat your cake."

"Cake?"

Now Kei really looks suspicious, and Sayako feels an urge to say that she has no desire to poison him.

"Your favourite is strawberry shortcake, right? I made some for you."

She put the plate on his desk, a slice of cake surrounded by fluffy whip cream layered between slices of strawberry sitting next to a fork.

"I hope you like it!" she says quickly, and runs out of the room.

Even though she rushes out, Kei can clearly see the bandages wrapped around her fingers.

Rolling his eyes, he scoops up a forkful of cake and takes a bite.

He promptly spits it out.

 _It tastes like salt._

Screwing up his face in disgust, he starts pushing it away, but for some reason, he hesitates. With a grunt, Kei eats every last crumb of the cake, cursing Sayako's cooking skills.

"Happy birthday, huh," he says to himself.

.

.

.

"I'm joining the volleyball club!" she says to Kei one day.

Looking very disinterested, he sticks his hands into his pockets.

"So?"

"I won't be able to walk you home on practice days," she says apologetically. "I know you know the way home well already, but I'll miss doing that."

No response.

"Kei?"

He gives her a sour stare.

"What?"

"Come watch my practice one day, okay?"

"Huh? Why?"

Sayako flexes her arm confidently.

"I'll show you what your onee-chan is capable of, that's why!"

.

.

.

She finally convinces him to come one day. And it makes her ridiculously happy.

"My little brother is coming to watch practice today!" she beams to her captain. "I can't wait! It took me so long to convince him, and he finally said he would!"

"He is, huh?" the captain spins a volleyball in her hands. "Well, don't get too distracted, Sayako. We have a big game next week, and we need to concentrate."

"Will do!"

.

.

.

He doesn't show up.

"Eh? I thought you said your brother was going to come watch practice," one of the girls says.

"He did, but…"

"Oh, is your brother Tsukishima Kei?"

Another girl looks at Sayako.

"Yes," Sayako says.

"I saw him going home after class," she says. "Are you sure he said he was going to come?"

"Yes."

Sayako's bottom lip trembles.

"Maybe it was just a misunderstanding," she says. "It's all right."

.

.

.

"You didn't come to my practice today," she says to Kei at dinner.

"What?" he says.

"Well, it's okay if you forgot! I have a game next week, if you want to come watch. We're up against Kitagawa Daichi! I heard their volleyball team's really good! I'm so excited…"

An uncommittable 'mm'.

"Promise you'll come!" Sayako grabs Kei's hand vehemently and he blinks.

She stares at him until he shifts uncomfortably.

"Fine, I will," he finally mumbles, and Sayako cheers.

"You have no idea how happy that makes your onee-chan, Kei!" she says.

"Cut the onee-chan crap," Kei says, but his face is pink. With a cough, he shoves his headphones on and eats as fast as he can, looking chagrined.

 _I_ knew _he had a sweet side!_ Sayako can't help but grin.

She can _not_ wait for the game!

.

.

.

"Kei! Kei!" Sayako waves him over, her blue hair tied into a ponytail.

Kei gives her a blank look, and she launches herself at him, squeezing him tightly.

"O-Oi! Let go of me!" he says, and Sayako giggles, dragging him by his cheek toward the captain.

"Captain!" she calls. "Look! My brother came to watch our match! Isn't that great?"

"Of course," is the reply. "Go join your teammates, Sayako. They've started their warm-up already."

"You can sit on the bench," Sayako tells Kei. "I got special permission from Coach."

"You're a starter?" Kei says.

"Yes!" Sayako is so happy she could've sprouted wings and flown. This is the closest Kei has ever gotten to starting a conversation. "I had no talent at all, and hit myself on the head tons of times, but I practiced really hard, so they put me on the starting lineup!"

He rolls his eyes.

"Che."

Frowning, she swats him.

"You just watch, Tsukishima Kei," she says, and he dodges the swat.

"Just trying isn't going to cut it," he says sharply, and she grits her teeth, frustrated. Spinning around, she starts marching away.

"Do your best," comes a breath of nearly inaudible words.

Sayako turns around, shocked.

It was quieter than a whisper, so she can't be too sure. But was it _Kei_ who said it just now?

Slowly but surely, she feels the corners of her mouth lift further and further until she's grinning like an idiot. Everything's turned blurry, and she can't stop the surge of joy that spreads from her fingers to her toes.

"Moron!" she sings, dealing her adopted a side chop.

This time, he dodges too slow.

"Tell me that when we win!" she says, and he adjusts his crooked glasses.

.

.

.

 _Do your best._

She's just so _happy_. She's been happy before, but this definitely cuts the cheese - or cake, in Kei's case.

Sayako nearly flies as she spikes the ball, the sound of squeaking shoes and her captain shouting filling her ears. She watches as the ball soars like a bird over the net and -

Into the hands of the blockers.

"Don't mind, Sayako!" calls the captain, as the referee blows his whistle. "We'll definitely score the next one.

 _Do your best._

Spike. Receive. Block. Spike. Receive. Block. Spike. Receive. Block.

It's a cycle that never ends.

Sayako's heart beats like a sparrow's, fast and quick and unbelievably light.

 _Do your best._

"One more point!" Sayako screams. "We can do it!"

 _Do your best._

"Amemaru… fight!" shouts the captain, neatly receiving a rather hard serve.

"Fight!" Sayako shouts with everyone else, jogging into position.

"B!" calls the setter.

She leaps like a deer and spikes the ball for all she's worth.

It smacks the middle blockers' hands and crashes right back into her face.

"Sayako!" the captain says as she lands with a thud on the ground. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine," Sayako says, but she's not, especially when the referee says the point counts for Kitagawa Daichi.

 _Do your best._

24-5. They're desperate, and everyone can feel it.

Sayako can sense the tension as the serve bounces back into the air, and as her feet move forward like they have a mind of their own. She can sense it as she feels the gaze of the coach following her. She can sense it as the setter sets the ball in her direction, even though she knows very well that everyone's wrists are burning from endless spiking.

"Sayako!" yells the setter. "Go!"

"You can do it, Sayako!" screams the entire team.

And for a minute, she believes it. She jumps, higher than ever, almost gliding like an eagle, and spikes the ball so hard her fingers sting.

It's like a dream. The smack of the ball against her palm, the almost unearthly view of the other side of the court, the feeling of air flying through her sweaty bangs.

The ball spins at full speed, past her hand, past the net, past the blockers - and right into the other spiker's hands.

She'd already jumped forward at the setter's words. Now, as Sayako starts to fall back down to the ground, the Kitagawa Daichi spiker slaps the ball back in a high arc, bouncing down to the ground in a deafening crash.

The only thing Sayako can hear is the ball sputtering to a stop, the crowd cheering, and the referee's whistle splitting the air.

And the only thing she can taste is the bitter tang of defeat dulled by the salt of her tears.

.

.

.

The walk home is silent, as if they'd come back from a funeral.

"All right, girls, time to go home - " starts the captain as they reach their school again.

Sayako sprints in front of her and bows so low the end of her ponytail touches the ground.

"Sayako?"

"I'm sorry," she says loudly. "I could've gotten us so many points, but I got blocked almost every time. I'll do better in the next game."

The captain is silent for a while.

"Don't sweat it," she finally says. "There's always a next game. Don't over-exert yourself on the way home, okay?"

"Yes."

.

.

.

She laughs quietly.

"I'm sorry, Kei," she says wearily. All the fight seems to have drained out of her already. "I promised you I'd show you my capability, and that I'd win, right? I'm sorry that didn't get to happen."

"Haruno-san," Kei says, sounding a little uncertain.

She's stopped walking. Sayako feels so tired - so tired. She doesn't think her feet can take her any further.

"It hurts, dammit." She closes her eyes, gripping her bag so tight her fingers ache. "I wanted to win so much - I wanted to win with everybody - I wanted to see the look on your face when we won. _It hurts a lot_."

He doesn't say anything.

The tears she tried to keep away from her teammates start to spill from under her eyelids. She grabs the front of Kei's shirt and hides her face in his blazer, feeling all the fake smiles and congratulatory words crumble around her.

She can't stop crying, sobbing great ugly tears that run down her cheeks and over her jaw and into the blazer. She's never known defeat as this painful, and she hates it.

She _hates_ it.

"It's not fair," she screams. "This isn't what I wanted."

Hacking coughs begin to mix in with her hiccups, and Sayako feels a great urge to punch something, anything. She had been so confident about their victory - so convinced that their team would win -

"It's not fair," she whispers hoarsely into Kei's jacket.

Sayako feels two arms hesitantly wrap around her, and her crying dies down slowly until she's only shivering and hiccupping quietly.

She's just so _tired_.

So tired that she feels her eyes closing. So tired her grip on Kei's blazer loosens. So tired she doesn't even notice him heave her up into his arms and carry her all the way home.


	2. it doesn't matter how slowly you go

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.

.

 _it does not matter how slowly you go so long as you do not stop_

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.

.

She opens her eyes to find herself in her favorite dinosaur shirt, lying on her bed with her blanket covering her up to her chin. She shifts, turning her head, and finds herself nose-to-nose with Hotaru - Kei's birthday present.

"Ah. We lost," she breathes, remembering.

With a grunt, she forces herself up and out of bed. Slipping her feet into her slippers, she comes out of her bedroom and opens Kei's door.

"It's eleven thirty," he says, seeing her disheveled hair. "Go to bed."

"I should say the same to you," Sayako shoots back. "Younger brother or not, you can't stay at such a tiny height forever, you know."

"Feh."

Kei puts down his pencil.

"Are you better?" he barks in a very brusque tone.

Sayako smiles.

"Yeah, I'm okay now. There will be other games, you know. More games to win, or to lose. And more games to show off my all-powerful spike," she adds, grinning at the way Kei scoffs.

"There's red bean buns and milk in your room," he says, turning back to his work. "Mom put them there."

"Thanks."

She closes the door behind her, then hesitates.

"Stand up," she orders.

"Why?" Kei replies.

With a huff, Sayako yanks him out of his chair.

"Mmm," she says, examining, "nope. We're the same height now."

Flushed with embarrassment, Kei shoves her out the door.

"If you came in to make rude remarks on my height, don't bother coming in at all," he tells her.

"If you don't want me to make rude remarks on your height, sleep earlier," is the cheerful retort.

.

.

.

After that game, Kei turns back to normal. Replying with a snort, a cold look, or a sharp word, Sayako wonders if she'd imagined the way Kei had comforted her after their loss.

But she doesn't mind, really. Even though some of his comments sting, she doesn't mind.

"It's almost my birthday again," she sighs. "And our third year in middle school! We'll graduate real soon, right?"

"A year older makes no difference to me," Kei says.

"Ah. That reminds me. What high school do you want to go to?"

Sayako waits expectantly for his answer.

"Karasuno, I guess," he says. "It's conveniently close, anyways."

"That was my pick, but it'll be nice to go to the same high school." She ruffles his hair, and Kei pushes her hand off his head. "If we're in the same homeroom, then even better!"

Kei gives her a disinterested stare.

"What?" she says.

"You're distracting me," he says. "Please leave me alone."

 _Well_ , Sayako thinks as she leaves in a huff, _at least he said please._

.

.

.

"Man, after our match against Kitagawa Daichi, I seriously thought Tsukishima-kun would be a little nicer to you," says one of Sayako's friends, Megumi. "I mean, he looked seriously worried when we were coming back to Amemaru. But now he's as mean as ever. How come it doesn't bother you, Saya-chan? He always calls you names and tells you to shut up, and doesn't even care at all. How come you don't mind at all?"

"It's not that I don't mind," Sayako replies. "It does make me upset once in a while. But he's my brother, so I try not to let it get to me."

"So you're only doing it because you feel like it's your duty or something?"

"No, of course not!" Sayako stares, slightly offended. "I really care about Kei."

"Even though he's rude, cold-hearted, selfish, arrogant, bossy, annoying, and without conscience?" is the dubious reply.

Sayako whirls around angrily.

"Don't call him that!" she shouts. "He's not rude, or cold-hearted, or selfish. And he's definitely not without conscience, okay? He's a really good person, and I really love him! He's the best younger brother ever!"

"Geez, Saya-chan, calm down. It was just a question."

"It's not 'just a question' for me," she says hotly. "Don't insult him."

"Yeah, but I'm just saying. Is he really worth the effort? I can see every day that you get hurt from what he says to you all the time."

"What do you mean? Of course he's 'worth the effort'! I know him really well, and he definitely is worth the effort!"

She doesn't notice the shadow standing by the classroom door, and she doesn't notice when Kei turns, heading for his classroom, his hands in his pockets.

.

.

.

For his birthday, Sayako decides to buy a pair of new headphones for Kei.

"Hmm, these look nice," she hums as she looks through the selection. And they are pretty nice: in fact, she thinks they're pretty cool.

Then she sees the price.

"How am I supposed to be able to afford that?" she says, appalled.

Sayako turns away, and starts looking for a new pair, but stops.

 _What would Kei's face look like when I give this to him?_ she thinks, and makes up her mind right away.

Whether it's extra chores, working at the local convenience store, or delivering newspapers, Sayako decides to do everything in order to earn the money. It takes an incredibly large amount of time, and she spends early mornings and late evenings every day to do so. Even her mother notices this new change.

"Is something the matter, Sayako?" her mom says. "You're really busy these days, helping out everywhere. I heard Ukai Keishin down at the Foothill Store's letting you do evening shifts, too."

"I'm just earning money, Mom," Sayako replies. "There's a present I want to get for somebody."

"I see," her mother nods. "Well, make sure you sleep enough and come back before nine."

"Okay."

Finally, when she's only seven hundred yen short, Kei's birthday looms over the horizon.

"It's tomorrow," she mutters to herself, counting her money again. "Seven hundred yen… that's not a lot… I can do it… "

"Sorry, Haruno-chan," says Ukai-san when she goes to the store. "There's already someone here for today's evening shift."

Sayako sinks in dismay, her hand clutching her purse.

"Do you have any other shifts?" she says. "I only need seven hundred more yen."

Ukai-san sighs.

"Morning shift is taken, and afternoon shift is by Yamada. Like I said, the evening shift is already taken, but - "

He hesitates.

"And?" Sayako says eagerly.

"There's the late night shift too," Ukai-san says reluctantly. "I'm on it today, but are you sure - "

"Yes!" Sayako says fiercely. "I'll do it! Thank you very much, Ukai-san!"

"What exactly are you buying again, Haruno-chan?" he says. "Is it for your boyfriend, or something?"

"Ah, no," she says, flapping her hand. "It's for my brother. He doesn't like me at all, but I at least want to see him smile."

"Well, see you at six," Ukai-san says. "Your shift goes to ten."

"Ten? Shoot! Mom said my curfew is nine!" Sayako frowns, thinking fast. "I already took out the trash, pulled out the weeds, organized the study room, and polished the windows. There's nothing else to do!"

Ukai-san contemplates this.

"Like I said, the late-night shift is mine," he says. "Luckily, we're closing early today. Usually we're open 'till eleven. How about you stay until nine and I do the rest of the shift?"

"Really?" Sayako's eyes widen.

"Yeah, sure," Ukai-san says. "And besides, it looks like this is really important for you. I don't think I could say no, even if I tried."

Sayako rubs at her eyes.

"A-A-Are you crying? Good grief! I'm sorry! Was it something I said?"

"No," Sayako says, hastily blinking. "I'm just really glad I can buy those headphones for my brother."

.

.

.

After school, Sayako skips down the sidewalk, her hair a curtain of brown flying behind her.

"Stop being so cheerful," Kei says. "You're acting like a child."

"Well, your birthday's tomorrow!" she retorts.

"So what?"

Letting out a _pfft_ of derision, Sayako stops, pulling at the back of Kei's shirt.

"This is the age when you start growing," she says firmly. "It's not important to you, bt it is to me."

"Che."

"You do want to grow taller, don't you? Come on. How tall are you?"

Kei stares.

"171," he says finally.

"Then don't you see? My growth spurt's already started. I'm 171.5."

Kei turns away, stuffing his headphones over his ears.

"I know you can still hear me! Oi! Kei!"

.

.

.

"Evening, Ukai-san," Sayako says as she walks in.

"Oh, hello there, Haruno-chan," he replies. "Okay, let's see… it's ten to six. Here, put on the apron. I'm just going back inside to unpack some boxes, all right?"

"Sure." Sayako ties the apron strings behind her, and turns as the bell rings.

"Good evening," she calls over her shoulder. "How can I help you?"

"Uh," says Kei.

"Oh," says Sayako.

.

.

.

"Mom said to buy meat buns," he explains shortly. "Keep the change."

"Thanks." Sayako hands him the plastic bag. "Tell her I'll be back at about nine, okay?"

"Yeah, yeah. She says she appreciates her hard work, or something. And she said to eat this."

He tosses a meat bun at her, and she barely catches it.

"You're ridiculous," Sayako rolls her eyes. But she eats it anyway, savouring the fluffy outside and warm, juicy interior. She smiles. Kei eats his as well, his face completely devoid of expression.

"You work here often?" he says.

"Yeah, so often Ukai-san got me my own apron," Sayako says, proudly flaunting it.

Kei's eye twitches as he stares at it.

"Dinosaurs," he says, snorting.

"See you later," she calls as he leaves, the bell chiming behind him.

"That your brother?" Ukai-san says, coming in from the back.

Sayako grins.

"Yes, that was."

.

.

.

"One more minute and you're done."

Sayako finds herself yawning at the counter, even though it's only eight-fifty. Being helpful and smiling doesn't sound like a lot of work, but she felt more exhausted than she'd like to admit. Especially since a particularly crabby customer had just stormed away, complaining about the prices.

"I'll let you go ten minutes early," Ukai-san decides. 'No, go ahead," he adds when Sayako protests. "You've had a long day. And besides, I wouldn't want you to go over your curfew."

"You're far too kind, Ukai-san," Sayako sighs.

"Well, thanks."

He puts a pile of coins and bills in her hand.

"Eh? Ukai-san, this is seven hundred more than my usual pay," says Sayko, confused.

"Nonsense." He blows out a cloud of smoke. "You need to get yourself something too, since you worked so hard."

"Thank you a million times over!" Sayako bows, making Ukai-san laugh.

"Good night, Haruno-chan."

"Good night."

.

.

.

Racing out of the Foothill Store like a marathon runner on her last spurt, Sayako grins. Now she could buy those headphones for Kei and still have money to afford wrapping paper. Thank _God_ for Ukai-san! she thinks, biting her lip to stop herself from bursting into happy tears.

On the other hand, as she sprints around the corner, was the shop still open?

 _Shoot!_

She'd completely forgotten to check their closing time! What if they had already closed for the day? After all, it was almost nine!

Sayako forces her legs to pump faster, feeling her ankles burn and her purse thumping awkwardly against her thigh. One more corner -

She runs smack into a brick wall.

"Oh! Excuse me!" she shouts behind her, realizing that the 'wall' had been a person.

Her eyes widen.

There it is, in front of her! And the lights are still on!

With the force of a charging lion, she slams open the door, completely startling the clerk behind the counter.

The 'brick wall' adjusts his blue glasses. For a split second, he'd thought that girl had been Sayako.

But it had probably been just his imagination, Kei thinks, shrugging. Besides, Sayako's not done her shift yet.

He turns the corner and heads home.

.

.

.

"Thank you very much," gasps Sayako. Her side is killing her, and she can hardly keep her breath, but she's so elated, she feels as if she were floating.

"You're… welcome," the clerk says, still looking very surprised.

He puts the headphones, wrapping paper, ribbon, and stickers in a bag and gives it to her.

And Sayako takes it and runs home, whooping and laughing like the world would never end.


	3. i've failed over and over again

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.

.

 _i've failed over and over again in my life._

 _and that is why i succeed._

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.

.

Since Kei's previous birthday present had been given in early morning (and had not been received very well), Sayako decides on giving the headphones to him in the afternoon.

She's put it inside a box and used plain blue gift wrap with a simple bow on top. And she's decorated the entire outside of the box with dinosaur stickers: T-rexes, pterodactyls, brachiosauruses,and many various others. Sayako's favourite part, however, is the little stegosaurus she'd put on the head strap. It's hidden where the earpad overlaps with the strap, so even if Kei doesn't like it, no one can see the little stegosaurus head peeking out unless they look really hard.

Nervously, she enters Kei's room, the box hidden behind her back.

He's hunched over his notebook, eyes narrowed with concentration.

"Knock," he says.

"Don't sit like that or you'll break your back," she says on reflex.

"What is it?" He turns, annoyed.

"I just wanted to say happy birthday," Sayako replies, sitting down on his bed. "And I got you a present."

"Didn't I say you didn't have to buy anything?"

If possible, Kei looks even more irritated.

"Open it, Kei."

"Fine."

He opens it, his glasses slipping slightly down his nose.

Adjusting it, he reaches in and pulls out the headphones.

Sayako's eyes shine.

"Do you like it?" she says. "It took me so long to save up the money for them, but I finally bought them yesterday. Well? Are you going to try them out?"

She stares eagerly at him and Kei shifts uncomfortably

"Ah," he says. "It's just that I - "

He reaches into his schoolbag and takes out another pair of headphones: black with the logo printed in blue.

"They had a discount yesterday," he says.

The air is so quiet Sayako is pretty sure even her mom downstairs can hear her heart shatter into a thousand million pieces. Even Kei, who usually gives her a sour look and a snide word, doesn't say anything.

Sayako tries desperately not to burst into tears on the spot. She clears her throat.

"Yeah. Okay. I'll - I'll be going now," she chokes, trying to keep her face blank. "I - Okay. Well. Bye."

She sprints out, her chest hurting like hell. She doesn't stop when she stumbles over something on the ground. She doesn't stop when she slams straight into her mother, who exclaims, "What's wrong, Sayako?". She doesn't even stop until she reaches her room, where she flies into her bed, screaming into her pillow a billion inaudible curses.

"Why do I try so hard anyways?" she thinks, when her eyes finally start to hurt. "Why don't I just give up already? Megumi was right. It's not worth the effort."

She stares at her expression in the dresser mirror, and can't help but laugh.

Her eyes are swollen and red, and her face has marks from the pillow. Her nose is running, and there's no sign of the hopeful Sayako who had always hoped Kei would at least give her a supportive word once in a while.

"You look pathetic," she says to herself, touching her reflection in the mirror.

"Well, that's that," she concludes as she puts her hair up in a ponytail, like she always does before a volleyball match. "There's no crying over spilt milk."

She rinses her face with water and wipes at her eyes carefully.

But even though she smiles at the table ("Don't worry, Mom, it wasn't anything much!") and makes lively conversation with Kei, there's still a dull ache that won't go away no matter how much she smiles.

.

.

.

"That's horrible!"

Megumi looks absolutely disgusted.

"What's wrong with him? You put so much heart into caring for him, and he acts like such a jerk! Honestly, Sayako, you need to protect yourself! If you continue being nice to him no matter how badly he treats you, you're going to get hurt one day!"

"It wasn't his fault," Sayako says patiently. "I was just being stupid."

"And don't give me that! You did what every other sister would've done!"

"At any rate," Sayako sighs. "It's almost the end of our third year. What high school are you planning to attend next year?"

" _Don't change the subject!_ "

Megumi grabs Sayako's arm.

"As your best friend, I need to be honest with you. And the thing is, you can't pretend he's an innocent little boy forever, you know? If you give up, no one'll blame you."

"That's not the point." Sayako looks out the window, pulling at her skirt. "I'm not giving up, okay? Hard work always pays off. I'm going to continue doing my best, Megumi. I'm not letting the past affect the present."

Megumi sits down.

"You'll go for it no matter what I say," she says wearily. "Don't push yourself too hard. And if that _cold-blooded amphibian_ dares make you cry again, I'll make him pay!"

Sayako can only smile at that.

.

.

.

Tempers are short and nerves are frayed. Kei's just finishing up entrance exams for Karasuno, and he is extremely ill-tempered.

"Hey, are you okay?" Sayako says anxiously, sitting down. "You're studying way too much, Kei. You haven't slept well for a month, and you never eat your meals at the table anymore."

"I'm fine," he mutters, eyes glued to the notebook. His pencil never stops moving, never stops spitting out note after note.

"Are you sure? Seriously, are you?"

"I'm _fine_."

"Don't forget to drink lots of water, or you'll get dehydrated. And if you get hungry, come downstairs. Oh, and if you need any help with your Science, I can definitely lend a hand. Or if you think some question's hard. Do you want me to bring dinner to you? Or tutor you tomorrow? Maybe bring you to a restaurant to rest? Oh, I know! What about - "

Kei snaps right then and there.

"Just leave me alone, would you?" he snarls, standing up. His pencil falls to the ground with a clatter. "Can't you see I'm busy? I've got stuff to do. And you're not really my sister, anyways, so _mind your own business_!"

Sayako swallows thickly, backing away as Kei pants, out of breath. His hands are clenched by his sides, and he's breathing in short, quick puffs. His amber eyes glare heatedly at her, filled with an emotion she'd never ever wanted to see directed at her -

Hatred.

She'd thought it hurt when he'd rejected the dinosaur stuffy. She'd thought it was the worst when he'd shown her the headphones he'd already bought. But this was nothing compared to now. Sayako was disgusted with herself - she was running away again, she realizes as she races out of his room and down the stairs and out of the house.

 _Why do you even bother?_

The wind whips her hair around her face, strands stinging her cheeks.

She keeps running.

 _Honestly. It's a lost cause, Haruno-san!_

She sprints as hard as she can, faster than a car, faster than a plane, faster faster _faster_ -

 _I saw him going home after class. Are you sure he said he was going to come?_

Hot, bitter tears dot her clean white blouse, and she doesn't care.

She just can't make herself care anymore.

 _Yeah, but I'm just saying. Is he really worth the effort? I can see every day that you get hurt from what he says to you all the time._

"Wait! Haruno-san!"

Kei runs out of the house, not even bothering to lace up his shoes properly.

"Leave me alone! _Leave me alone!_ "

 _Even though he's rude, cold-hearted, selfish, arrogant, bossy, annoying, and without conscience?_

"Wait!"

She runs faster.

Faster.

Sayako doesn't need pity.

She doesn't need affection.

She doesn't need anything anymore.

 _What's wrong with him? You put so much heart into caring for him, and he acts like such a jerk!_

He grabs her arm and she shakes him off violently.

"I give up!" she screams. "I've had it! I tried so hard, _so hard_ , but it's never going to make a difference is it? _Is it?_ "

He stops right in his tracks.

"Haruno-san," he says hesitantly.

"Shut up! Shut up!"

 _Honestly, Sayako, you need to protect yourself! If you continue being nice to him no matter how badly he treats you, you're going to get hurt one day!_

She turns away.

Her entire body hurts now. It's not just her heart. She wants to scream, to shout, to yell -

But all she can do is cry.

And it's pathetic.

She thought she could do it. Be a big sister. Be a best friend. Be a confidante. Be the person Kei would go to for help, for love, for support.

She's not enough.

She'll never be enough.

And then she looks back at Kei, who looks genuinely concerned, and she sees dark blue glasses and blonde hair and amber eyes and reaching hands.

She hears questions and exclamations and the sound of two pairs of feet running towards and away from each other and the sound of tires and a flash of red -

And in that one moment, she breaks.

She doesn't want to run anymore. She doesn't want to reach for something and get so close and turn away when it's finally within arm's reach. She doesn't want to spend nights crying and days pretending to smile anymore.

She's had enough.

"I take it all back! I'm sorry!" she screams, her voice hoarse. "I'm not giving up - _I'll never give up on you_ \- "

Time seems to slow as the car barrels across the road. Sayako lunges for Kei, hours and hours of spiking practice giving her the strength to shove him off the street and onto the sidewalk. Brown hair flying, shoes no longer thudding across the pavement, crisp white shirt giving birth to red flowers.

And she finally knows now that she's done the right thing.

It's a flashing, agonizing sort of pain that wracks her from the core. She can't move, and all she can see is blue sky, until faces crowd above her, concerned mothers and curious children and horrified expressions, terrified expressions, sympathetic expressions.

"Call the ambulance! _Call the ambulance!_ " someone shouts.

Sayako's crying now - _again_ \- but it doesn't feel weak and pathetic anymore. She's crying happy tears, relieved tears. Kei's going to be all right.

" _Sayako-nee-chan_!" a very familiar voice penetrates her ears.

She closes her eyes, her heart filling up with warmth.

"Do you know how long I've waited to hear that?" she says, wiping her eyes.

"Are you crazy? You stupid, idiotic, brainless," Kei rants, furious. "Why are you so _dumb_? Can't you think for once?"

She smiles. Even though he's shouting at the top of his lungs, she can see torrents of tears running down Kei's cheeks, warm against her skin. His expression is full of complete shock and pain.

"You're the stupid one," she replies. "And besides, you're crying, if you hadn't noticed."

"Shut up. Of course I am."

Sayako dimly realizes something.

"Hey, you've gotten taller again," she says, her voice hitching. It's beginning to hurt when she talks. "So you did take my advice and sleep early, huh? How tall are you now?"

"About 179," he says.

"My baby brother finally grew up," Sayako grins. She doesn't bother stopping the tears now. "I love you, you know that?"

"Of course I know!"

She reaches for his hand, squeezing it tightly.

"If you've got that much strength, you're definitely going to survive," Kei laughs shakily.

"No," she says. The pain is beginning to numb over, and she can't feel her legs anymore. "I'd really love to, but I can't breathe anymore."

"You have to try!" Kei clutches her hand like it's his lifeline. It's so not _him_ that Sayako's tempted to laugh. He looks like a lost puppy. "I don't want you to die," he says.

"I don't want to die either," she croaks. "But anyways, I'm happy you're fine."

"I don't care about me!"

"Tell me, Kei," she says, coughing. "Did you - Do you hate me?"

Kei looks shocked, then he recovers.

"No," he says quietly. "Never."

The numbness is beginning to spread from her legs to her stomach now.

"Was I… a good sister?"

He's crying again, and gripping her hand so hard her knuckles turn white.

"Yes," he replies. "The best I could've asked for."

Now she can't feel her upper torso anymore.

"I only have two regrets, you know," Sayako tells Kei. "First, that I didn't get to show you my all-powerful spike, and second, that I didn't get to know you better."

Her shoulders and arms tingle, and her grip loosens on Kei's hand. It's not unpleasant, really. The hollow fear that had taken hold of her just now has already dissolved. She thinks she can hear sirens coming closer, the frantic whine of the ambulance growing louder and louder.

"Stop crying, you wimp." With the very last of her strength, Sayako pulls Kei toward her and pinches his cheek. "It's not too bad, you know."

"How can dying not be too bad?" Kei demands.

She can't feel anything anymore now. It's all... nothingness, in a sense.

"Your strawberry shortcake," Kei says.

"Hm? What about it?"

She coughs again, and this time she can taste blood.

"I ate all of it."

"You did?" Sayako sighs. "I'm glad."

Everything before her is gradually blurring and fading, as if someone's erasing the world.

"One last thing, Kei," she rasps.

"Anything."

Kei looks desperate, and Sayako manages one final smile.

"Call me onee-chan again, would you?"

"Okay."

"And don't say goodbye. I extremely dislike goodbyes. Promise you'll take care of Hotaru?"

"Yeah. Is 'see you later' fine with you?"

"It's good enough."

"Then see you later, Sayako-onee-chan," Kei whispers.

Her eyes close, Sayako's smile never leaving her face.

"Thanks."

And Kei clutches her cold body to his chest, not caring who sees or hears him, and screams into the still-blazing blue sky until his throat gives out and he can't make another sound.

.

.

.

They cry, of course.

Mom and Dad and the rest of the relatives - _his_ relatives. The teachers, the volleyball team, the students. They all cry, because everyone knows Haruno Sayako, who volunteers and cheers up and encourages; tall, brown-haired, stubborn Sayako; hard-working, optimistic, bright-eyed Sayako.

Megumi cries, as well.

"I don't blame you," she eventually tells Kei. "You already know that I didn't like you at all. But Sayako did, and she was right. You're not as bad as you act."

She sighs.

"How much does it hurt?"

A simple question.

"A lot," Kei answers, and turns away.

"I heard you cried at the funeral."

He looked back, hand clutching his glasses.

"I did."

Kei asked his mom if he could have all the dinosaur figurines and stuffed animals that Sayako had, and she says of course you can. He puts Hotaru on his desk and puts away the headphones he bought. Taking out his present again, he pulls out Sayako's headphones, the ones she'd saved up her money to buy.

His eye catches a small green dot and he stares at it.

The little stegosaurus sticker's head stares back at him and he slams the headphones back down, roughly shoving his arm into his face.

He doesn't let anyone see him cry.

.

.

.

When the Karasuno volleyball team gets a new coach, Kei's eyes cloud over, and Ukai-san looks startled.

But he soon regains his composure and gives Kei a nod.

He nods back.

"I miss her too, you know," says Ukai-san.

.

.

.

He sees her in everything.

The way Hinata strives to make up for his height. The way Kageyama's mouth straightens in a firm, determined line. The way Yamaguchi smiles sheepishly.

When Sugawara says something encouraging. When Tanaka has a passionate outburst. When Daichi's eyes narrow in concentration. When Asahi laughs. When all they can see in Nishinoya is faith - in the team, in himself, in their ability to do their best.

He sees her and it hurts, because she's not really there, and she's never coming back, and why doesn't the pain go away?

But it's kind of a good thing, sometimes, he tells himself.

He touches the stegosaurus sticker on his headphones, strokes the top of Hotaru's head, tosses Sayako's old volleyball in the air.

Everything around him makes him realize that she never really left. She's not really gone forever. She's still with him, and for Kei -

For Kei, that's enough.


End file.
